NOTHING REALLY MATTERS

I've walked in the same little valley fifteen minutes from my house for as long as I can remember. No one really goes down there, it's calm, I love the way the light shines in through the leaves of the trees. My best friend Stevie and I used to wander down there together, but since she moved away it feels lonely. My favourite things are the purple flowers that grow on the sides of rocks, and the overgrown moss-covered trees that have been there for literally hundreds of years. No photos I've taken have managed to capture it's massive scale or overwhelming beauty, but maybe that's what's magical about this place. 

The last time I ventured down there I feeling quite stressed out, but by the end of my walk I was feeling really cathartic about everything. Those trees have been there for centuries, they were there before I was born, and they'll still be there when I'm dead. The birds in the trees, they don't even know I exist, yet here I am still writing about them. I felt a very strong sense of insignificance.

I'd felt insignificant before. I've felt socially insignificant in a group full of people, even some of whom I considered friends. I'd wondered if anyone would kick up a fuss if I just disappeared.

But this was different, I felt insignificant but in a good way. I mean, sure those trees don't care about me but nor do they care about Beyonce, Gandhi, Neil Armstrong, or The Kardashians. Any given one of those birds wouldn't have a clue who any of those people are, and it doesn't give a shit about a single one of them. One of these particular trees can live up to 600 years so our short, tiny lives mean nothing to it. This may sound strange but I've never had a thought as liberating as this one.

I've spent an extensive amount of my time on this planet worrying about how I'll be remembered at the end (of high school/of life) instead of what I'll remember. This ancient tree kind of put things into perspective for me. I was making my minuscule problems seem huge, when compared to this tree my entire existence is just a blip of insignificant nothing to it. 

I don't mean that in a nihilistic way like "our lives are completely meaningless so why bother doing anything" I actually mean the opposite. So if our lives are just a tiny speck in the universe then the only meaning it has is what you give it, and the only person it needs to mean anything to is you. For me that means enjoying everyday I have on this planet to its fullest, because not all of us will be here for 600 years. 

If your feeling insignificant in a bad way or just plain bummed out about your place in the universe, then I encourage you to find ways to revel in what a huge thing we're apart of. Though I love doing this through nature, I will also feel the same way visiting a history museum, or even just taking the train home. 

Yesterday I found a diary entry I wrote in 2010 explaining 

WHAT REALLY MATTERS:

. Being happy. 

. Finding something and someone that makes you happy.

. Being nice to everyone.

. Looking after nature

. Making other people happy.

                                                                 . Getting a good job.

. Ice cream

These are all still very valid answers FYI.

'til next time, over and out

xx

JUST THOUGHTS

It's 10:36 on a Thursday night, and I'm feeling like I need to make an effort to write something, and it's rare that I actually feel like posting, so this is a good opportunity to talk shit for a while. As I slightly touched on in my last post, things have been a bit weird lately, and I'm not usually one to write about my feelings. But as I also said in that post, I'm trying to be more open with you, so this is basically the run down if everything going on in my head right now:

I'm scared about getting older, not old old, but old enough to have the kinds of responsibilities you never thought you'd have to have. I'm at college now, I work so I can buy the meaningless things that I want (clothes, jewellery, etc). I have a roof over my head free of cost, and I have food on my plate every night. But what happens after that? Bills? Taxes? All the stuff that adults are probably used to, that's the shit that freaks me out the most. They're the kinds of thoughts that wake me up in the middle of the night in a sweat, the feeling comes on as sudden as putting my head under a cold tap.

Getting older is a weird thing. I thought that once I reached certain milestones I'd feel older, or like I'd reached a rite-of-passage. But the days and nights just float by, I don't feel much different to how I felt maybe a year ago. I mean, sure a lot has changed but everything just seems to happen at a painfully slow pace. I mean, half of the time I feel like the embodiment of a Coppola film, an emotional, angst filled teenager.

I don't know how many of you still read this blog, but if you're still here - thank you. Not too many people read blogs these days. I get it though, instagram, snapchat, facebook they're all more digestible sources to find content. Reading a blog takes time and effort. I'm not ready to let mine go just yet, it's the longest relationship I've had with anything, almost a year. I'm a teenager with little to no commitment to anyone or anything, so this little URL that I nurture - it really means a lot to me.

'til next time, over and out

s x

I ALWAYS COME BACK

So, for a few months I've been wondering what to say.

In the space of these past few months my ideals as a teenager have differed, my priorities have shifted drastically. I've learned things that will most likely stay with me for a lifetime, others not. I'm a teenager with a palette of colour-emotions, mustard-yellow happiness, cool-grey loneliness, scarlet-red love, midnight-blue sadness. That's the awkward thing about being a teenager, you feel everything, vivid and weird emotional moments that you can't even begin to explain or process. Some days you feel overwhelmed with feelings that are too hard to cope with, other days you feel like you're just another human drifting along with time and space.

I'm trying to change this blog ~ and make it a reflection of me. My previous posts never really let anyone in, I put up a wall between myself and you. For reasons like, not knowing how to express myself, not wanting to ramble about myself/life etc, and being a introverted and shy person in general. Because sometimes it's hard finding a voice whether it's online, or in real life situations (scary, I know). 

Growing up and finding that voice is definitely a challenge. Here are a few things I have come to discover by myself, that I wish someone had told me:

1. BE YOURSELF

I know it sounds simple and cliché, and I might sound 100% lame when I say this, but be yourself! Honestly there is nothing refreshing than feeling comfortable with you are. It's all good and well to put on a bravado, because truthfully, some of us guys and gals need to appear a little more confident in certain situations. But you shouldn't feel you have to change or appear different for other peoples benefit. After high school the realisations would have started to set in, going into the 'real world' there are no cliques or groups, you're out there on your own. You will undoubtedly have more important things to worry about in life than fitting in, because that's not what it's about, even if it feels like it right now.

I know it's hard trying to fit in with different cliques and groups at high school, and it's the absolute WORST when you don't feel like you fit in. But you know what, there are over 7 billion people on this planet, and none of them are you! Well that's radical!? You're worth more than you know.

2. YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER/FRIEND SHOULD NOT MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE YOU ARE NOT ENOUGH/SHITTY
The point of relationships and friendships are to make the other person feel happy and good about themselves. If you have put effort into the relationship on a daily basis, and the person doesn't make you happy or worthy of them, DITCH EM'. Because quite frankly, you don't need/deserve to deal with that b.s. You have the power to cut of a toxic relationship or friendship, you don't have to stay if the person is putting down or making you feel shit. Especially is the person is inflicting any pain on you at all. Because you have the right to be happy, and the people you surround yourself with should be the ones that lift you up, not bring you down.

3. LOSS IS INEVITABLE 

It's always going to happen - just like your shoes are going to wear thin, and the rain is going to fall. When you're a teenager you feel every emotion under the sun, sometimes losing someone can feel like the whole world is coming to a slow and bitter end. It's a scary thing realising that those memories you've shared with someone special have started to become those - just memories. Just know that feeling this way, it's okay, we all have different strategies for dealing with loss. Some of us don't want to curl up in a ball with a carton of ice cream, but not everyone is ready to throw themselves on the rebound train instantly. Just remember that you don't have to be ready to get on with it immediately, pain is pain, and relationships and friendships are about finding what you need/deserve. Sometimes you need to experience the tail-end of relationships to see the faults and learn from them. This does NOT mean that any relationship was a waste of time, if you were treated badly - at least you now know that you don't deserve that kind of crap. 

4. INSECURITY IS A PRISON AND YOU'RE BETTER THAN THAT

Some of the the most talented and beautiful people I have met, and whom I'd considered flawless aesthetically and intellectually have also turned out to be the same people who have all gone through patches of insecurity. Looking at them though my eyes, I could not see how this was even possible. Calling yourself names, and putting yourself down can really affect your confidence. Filling your head up with these thoughts can do you nothing but harm, give yourself a break, no one is perfect.

Envision telling your eight-year-old self, innocent and thrilled about life, that they are ugly, fat, and worth nothing. How could you possibly say this to a eight-year-old, and watch them cry inconsolably. It's the same thing, except you are older and putting yourself down more. Insecurity is a prison, but you choose whether you want to commit the crime.

5. GET RID OF MEAN AND NEGATIVE PEOPLE

If there's anything I've learned it's that attracting negative people can become a vicious and repetitive cycle. When you're giving and loving person, people can take advantage of that aspect of you, and cling onto your light, dragging you down into the darkness with them. When people feel hurt or sad they can try to transfer their pain onto others, and tend to rely on everyone else for happiness. But you shouldn't have to find happiness in others, happiness should be found in you. Choosing to be patient and nice is one thing, but putting yourself in a repetitive and miserable cycle is another. The best thing you can do is surround yourself with confident and motivated people, who know where they are going. Sometimes the most beneficial solution for yourself is to simply cut a person who makes you feel shit out of your life. It's your right to do this - it doesn't mean you lack loving them any less, you just shouldn't have to feel destroyed in the process of the friendship.

6. VALUE TIME

Value everyone else's time, value your own time, and you should not be made to feel like you are not worthy of someone else's. Everyone is trying to get somewhere or do something better, but we're usually too consumed in our own lives that we don't stop to help others out. But you know what? We're only on this earth for a little while, so why not try and make someone else's life a little bit better? Things take time, that's one thing I've learned, especially friendships and relationships. If the other person isn't making time for you, how do they expect the relationship to flourish, and how do they expect you to be happy? People should value your time. That means if they're late, they don't give a shit about your time and they think they're worth more and therefore can keep you waiting. Some people will say it's OK to be late. It's not. Some people will say it's just the way they are. Then maybe you need to reevaluate them.

There are a few things I wish someone had told me.

S x

SOON

I'm sorry, I'll be back with something soon.
S x

NZFW DAY 7 & 8

So, on Saturday and Sunday I spent most of the day at NZ Fashion Week, which was real fun! Went to the Fashion Quarterly Presents show, and the Cleo Presents show. Both were real good The Zambesi collection was a definite highlight though, I loved that whole collection. Fashion week this year definitely seemed bigger (and better), also heaps of designer sales upstairs!
Also, the music was really good this year. I can't pick a favourite show (music wise) but the music in the RUBY show was pretty great.
I dressed quite casually, this and this, I was only able to go on the weekend (cos college) which is sad, but at least I didn't have to get too dressed up, with it being the weekend and all.
Anyway I didn't take too many photos cos my camera is being repaired (great timing, I know) and my phone doesn't take the best photos, ugh.

But here are a few:

 Zambesi.

Bonds.

RUBY.

Bonds.

Sorry I haven't posted in a while, things have been kinda chaotic at the moment + i'm such a procrastinator. (side note: i'm supposed be writing a 400 word essay, but i'm procrastinating by writing this) Lol. 

Sarah xx

LONG TIME NO POST

I haven't posted here in a while. It's been a bit over a month, and I've had nothing to say/share with you. Things have been a kind of weird lately, friendships have fallen apart and gotten back together, and my consequences have started showing up to the party. But I don't want you to give up on this blog. It means so much to me, and the fact that you guys check up on this blog every now and then, and you care about my words - it's actually so heart warming.

I've got plenty of things going on at the moment to write about. But I don't like going on about shit no one really needs to hear.

But I'm still here.

xx

HEARTBREAK | PLAYLIST FRIDAY

I like to think that in some ways I have a realistic grasp on life, and that I can share it with you all, and that my little pieces of advice might help someone out. I spend hours editing the crap out of each post so I know what i'm actually going on about. I can't explain my mind, it's tangled and twisted, much like the ideas in it.

If you know me, Sarah, my blog posts are all over the place. But you know what? Humans carry around so many thoughts, emotions, and feelings that it's hard to put into words, let alone know what you're talking about. No matter who you are and what others have been through who you are trying to support, you need to have time for yourself. I know how it feels when someone's gone, and it feels like no one's ever gonna feel this heartbroken. Ever.

Heartbreak is one of the worst feelings in the world, its physically sickening. It feels like someone's cut your heart out of your chest, and decided to stomp on it. But however ~ time heals all wounds, even if it doesn't feel like it at the time. It still leaves scars and memories and reminders of what you once had, but that's okay, they're you. But when you've given all you can possibly give and it's not enough, what else are you supposed to give? 

But let me get one thing straight, you and no other person should make you feel incomplete without them. And you won't feel empty, I know it may sure as hell feel like it and you've given a little piece of yourself away that you know they could break. But YOU are your own person as a whole kidneys, lungs, emotions and all, no one can take that away from you.

Anyway, here is my little 'heartbreak playlist'. I tried to keep the sad melancholy songs to a minimum :)

All you had to do was stay - Taylor Swift

Take a chance on me - Abba

Dancing on my own - Robyn 

Jar of hearts - Christina Perri

Love me anyway - Ginny Blackmore

Since you been gone - Kelly Clarkson

Heartbreak dream - Betty Who

You (ha ha ha) - Charli XCX

Cry me a river - Justin Timberlake

Why don't you love me - Beyonce

Living for love - Madonna

The one that got away - Katy Perry

Turning tables - Adele

Too little too late - Jojo








From,
Sarah xx